I am Jam. Yep okay, cool. Meow.
Shhh, I really don't know.
I don’t like having to remind myself this is real. I don’t like having to snap a band on my wrist or sit on my hands. I’m losing my myself and who I am is someone that I don’t even know. This life I live right now all just feels like a lie and I don’t know how much longer I can carry on. I’m trying to be strong but it’s not easy when the people you were closest to just seem like a thing of the past. I’m so sad and lonely and nobody sees it because of last year and I just don’t know what to do. I’m so scared of losing people and being alone and I wish I could just tell certain people how I felt.
You know what would be lovely? If someone came to my house and suprised me by bring food and cooking me dinner. I have a thing where even if i’m hungry I won’t cook or make anything because I physically can’t bring myself to do it. Ugh. I love cooking so much but sometimes just no. Now that my friends is a con of living alone.
My dad took me to Asda earlier to get some food shopping, so he could ensure that I had food and that I would eat. He got me like £60 worth of food, my fridge freezer and cupboards are packed. He also got me this fab Thumper dressing gown that has a hood. Oooh and I got some Batman stuff for JackJack.
However going there was fucking horrendous. There were so many people and my anxiety proper flared up. I felt so awkward and I ended up hiding in a clothes rail at one point because there was so many people. If my dad wasn’t there I’m pretty sure I would have just had a massive breakdown. My point is, I thought I was getting better with public and my anxiety but clearly not and it fucking sucks.
Sleeping alone is taking its toll on me since them days. I miss having you in my bed, me sleeping on your chest with your arms wrapped around me, them little kisses you give on my forehead to prove to me I’m safe with you. I’m just ugh. What sucks is the fact I feel like I’m falling for someone I know I shouldn’t because of reasons but uh, you’re such a nerd and adorkable and sigh.