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I am Jam. Yep okay, cool. Meow.

Shhh, I really don't know.


See the thing is all people tend to do to me is ask me how I am and what’s wrong and that’s nice of you and all, but doing it constantly isn’t fucking helping. I’m sick of constantly lying to people. I’m not okay and I don’t know what’s wrong. So much has happened in the last year and I can’t quite comprehend it all. I feel like I’m drifting away from everyone and I know that isn’t any good for me. I’m feel like I’m going to start locking myself away again and I don’t want to do that but I just really don’t want to be around people or anything. I’ve had so much stress as of late and I just don’t know what to do any more. Things are getting way too much and I just want to run away and hide for a while. 

I’ve decided I’m going to start doing things for myself now and I’m more important that others. I’m sick of living with people being cunts and I don’t want to be like that any more. I’m putting myself first cause I think it will be for the best. 

My sister is still in labour and bubba needs to hurry up. I know you might be comfy and warm in her belly but I wanna meet you. Hurry up my little niece of nephew.

Uh, I wanna meet my baby thing already and then stuff will be fab :3.

I’ve had the shakes all day since like 3 pm and I really don’t know why but it’s actually starting to scare me.

I don’t remember the last time I was actually sober and this is really bad. Fuck. I think I’ve got really bad and I don’t really know what to do. 

People keep asking what’s wrong with me and the honest answer is I don’t even know. I have no idea what’s going on with me. All I know is that I’m not okay and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I seriously need some help. With everything that has gone on recently I just know I’ve fallen back into the pit of darkness. It’s such a bad place for me to be and I don’t know how to get out of it. I keep getting emotional and crying and all I do recently is drink every single day and I’m noticing a problem where I don’t think I can stop. Fuck.

Can my body not be doing this intense pain thing right now? Like seriously I’m bruised all over for reasons that I don’t quite know why. Then I’m in horrific pain with my back and my lower abdomen. Like can you stop this because I think I know what’s going on and I really don’t want this to be happening. Fuck.

Happy Birthday Nana. I love you. I miss you.

Feelings are actually such a pain in the ass. Why are feelings happening? I mean the feelings be good feelings but sigh. 

I don’t even know what to think any more :(. I’m staying strong and stuff but I don’t know how much longer I can go before it all comes crashing down.

Trying to not break down in front of you is really fucking hard. You don’t see how much I care and how much I love you and that’s destroying me. All I want is a good job and you. I don’t want anyone else. It fucking sucks because I know I fucked up and I may not deserve one but all I want is a second chance.

It sucks when you’re with someone and you love them so much but the don’t see it. It hurts when they start to push you away cause they don’t know. You say all this stuff and make me fall for you. I’ve never felt this way about anybody ever and it fucking hurts to know that I’m just waiting for a text to answer stuff. All I can do is leave you to it, but all I want to do is see you and hug you and kiss you but I can’t. That fucking sucks and its tearing me apart waiting around. You just don’t see what you mean to me and well that sucks more than anything.

I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do.