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I am Jam. Yep okay, cool. Meow.

Shhh, I really don't know.


I’ve had the shakes all day since like 3 pm and I really don’t know why but it’s actually starting to scare me.

I don’t remember the last time I was actually sober and this is really bad. Fuck. I think I’ve got really bad and I don’t really know what to do. 

People keep asking what’s wrong with me and the honest answer is I don’t even know. I have no idea what’s going on with me. All I know is that I’m not okay and I really don’t know what to do anymore. I seriously need some help. With everything that has gone on recently I just know I’ve fallen back into the pit of darkness. It’s such a bad place for me to be and I don’t know how to get out of it. I keep getting emotional and crying and all I do recently is drink every single day and I’m noticing a problem where I don’t think I can stop. Fuck.

Can my body not be doing this intense pain thing right now? Like seriously I’m bruised all over for reasons that I don’t quite know why. Then I’m in horrific pain with my back and my lower abdomen. Like can you stop this because I think I know what’s going on and I really don’t want this to be happening. Fuck.

Happy Birthday Nana. I love you. I miss you.

Feelings are actually such a pain in the ass. Why are feelings happening? I mean the feelings be good feelings but sigh. 

I don’t even know what to think any more :(. I’m staying strong and stuff but I don’t know how much longer I can go before it all comes crashing down.

Trying to not break down in front of you is really fucking hard. You don’t see how much I care and how much I love you and that’s destroying me. All I want is a good job and you. I don’t want anyone else. It fucking sucks because I know I fucked up and I may not deserve one but all I want is a second chance.

It sucks when you’re with someone and you love them so much but the don’t see it. It hurts when they start to push you away cause they don’t know. You say all this stuff and make me fall for you. I’ve never felt this way about anybody ever and it fucking hurts to know that I’m just waiting for a text to answer stuff. All I can do is leave you to it, but all I want to do is see you and hug you and kiss you but I can’t. That fucking sucks and its tearing me apart waiting around. You just don’t see what you mean to me and well that sucks more than anything.

I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do. 

Everything was going so well over the past month and a but and now it’s all falling apart. I don’t want things to fall apart. I know I’ll end fallig apart and I can’t deal with that. Not on my own, don’t let this be happeneing. Fuck.

Taking some time for myself for today and probably the next few days. Sorting things out that need to be sorted. Hopefully I will stop feeling shitty soon and I’m going to start putting myself first for a while. I need to find out who the hell I am cause right now I really don’t know.

I’m feeling constantly tired again and for the last few day I keep randomly crying. What the hell is going on with me? I’d very much like a hug.