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I'm Jam. 21.
Insane earthling with a cat complex. Meow.

Weeps at tv shows and drools over women, wbu?



ʕᵔᴥᵔʔ.

One of the weirdest sensations and things to me right now is the whole making out, fucking thing with my ex. Like he still lives at mine and we both still love each other. We’re still doing stuff like we are a couple but we’re not and what, it’s so weird and probably not the greatest idea but uh.

You know what, I’m gonna be okay. I can help myself now without having to worry about others. I can. Get rid of the toxins in my life and carry on to be a better, stronger person. That’s what I need, to help myself yet I didn’t know how to. Now I do, things are gonna be fine and I’ll get on with it because that’s what we as humans have to do. Gonna please myself before others and spend some quality time with myself with the bullshit, pain and everything from others. Time to be what I want to be anf progress myself, you did my a favour so thanks :)

I put my all into things for people. I’ve forgotten who I am and what I stand for, also how to love myself. This isn’t what I want, I’m going to end up breaking to a point where I’m beyond help if I carry on like this. I’m so tempted to just drop everything and everyone and just disappear, however its not that simple. Sigh.

It’s getting to the point where I don’t want any of this anymore. I can’t deal with it. I’m hurting myself more and more every single day. I was trying to sort things out myself but honestly I think it may be the best thing and raise my hand and say help me. I’m not going to get better on my own and I can’t count on ‘friends’ to help me.. I’m breaking my own heart doing what I’m doing and it’s not what I want.

On Friday I got my hair did, today I did two new piercings, Monday I get my new glasses and Saturday is tattoo day :D ah new things. I’ve been doing a lot more recently and have some awesome people I can turn to in a time of need. I’m getting myself back on track and it makes me happy. Yes, I still feel shit almost everyday but I’m getting better at not letting it keep me down too long and that is really important :). Doing more things for myself is the best thing possible and I’m pretty sure it’s getting my mental health at a better level. So yaay!

I just don’t know why I’m trying to hard to keep something. I’m unhappy again. I’m becoming more and more of the person I used to be because of all this shit. I got to a point in life where things were getting better now things are turning to shit again and I don’t want this. I don’t deserve it, so why do I feel like I do? Oh right, it’s because I’m made to feel that way.

For some reason I always feel like I’m a second priority to people, especially you. I don’t know what it is but it feels like I’m not as important as others and it ends up making me feel shit.

Fuck this life and everything that’s happened in it. I can feel a repeat of last year happening but the other way round and I know I can’t deal with that again. Everyday I feel worse about myself and feel like I can’t do anything right. This isn’t meant to be like this, I don’t want to go back to how I was, it damn near killed me.

Hahaha, mother nature needs to come and do her thing. Before anyone goes ‘omg are you pregnant?” No I am not. I’ve checked, I”ve just been super stressed recently and this is stressing me more.

Using a vegetarians pan that is not meant for meat at all, because is a bitch to clean and cooking bacon in it, is fucking despicable. No.

Age: 20 (21 in 4 days, woot)
Where: Luton, Bedfordshire, UK
Where I would like to live: Australia
Favourite food: Noodles
Religion: I don't care for religion
Sexual orientation: Who knows?
Favourite book: The Foreshadowing
Eye colour: Brown
Favourite movie: Probably Winnie The Pooh, yo!
Favourite TV show: Doctor Who/Criminal Minds
Favourite band/singer: Band - Mayday Parade
Random fact about me: I have my own house
Favourite day of the year: First day of Spring
Favourite colour: Blue, but a specific shade
If I have any pets: Three cats; Spencer, Merlin & Leo, and a hamster named Zain
Last movie I’ve watched: Anastasia
What’s my ringtone: Just Keep Breathing - We The Kings
Favourite male character from a TV show: Spencer Reid - Criminal Minds or Capt: Jack Harkness - Doctor Who/Torchwood
Favourite female character from a TV show: Rose Tyler - Doctor Who
What my name means: God Is Gracious o_O
Favourite superhero: The Doctor, shhh he counts. Failing that Iron Man.

A lot of the people I ‘hang’ with are not good for me in a sense of who I am. I’ve changed a lot since knowing most of these people and I don’t like it. I always put them first even though I need to learn to put myself first. My speech is just, I can not deal with the way some people talk. I’ve started reading books more. I don’t want to seem like I am a stupid person because I really am not. This is in no offence to anyone I know. 

Since Friday all I’ve had is one cup of tea and some orange squash once or twice. I can’t stand the sight of food or anything and I’m not even hungry. I know this isn’t good but I can’t help it.