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I am Jam. Yep okay, cool. Meow.

Shhh, I really don't know.


On the outside I seem pretty okay considering what has happened in the last month. On the inside I literally fell like I am dying. I can’t breathe properly, my chest and heart hurt so much it’s unbearable, the forced thing I have to do to not make myself cry is disturbing. I know the other night is all my fault and I hate myself so much because I’ve ruined something, that had  it’s up and downs but was fucking wonderful. Every part of me is falling apart and it’s awful. I’m ill with stress and a cold as it is but I can’y physically eat and I know what I’m like I just ill get to a point where I won’t try and eat and I’m so scared. 

I find it absolutely hilarious that one of my friends the other day said “you spend more time with Connor (my boyfriend) than you do your friends”

It’s funny for two reasons.

First being the fact I spend the same amount of time with my friend since being with him and I actually think I spend more time with them than before.
The second is hilarious because I live with him. So yes I do spend more time with him but I spend the same amount of time with friend since before I was.

People are dumbasses.

Last night when Connor came home slightly tipsy he was pestering me to bang and I was like get away it’s 3am you woke me up. He sobered up and we had a chat and I’m just, he can be the sweetest and it scares him to fuck that he’s gonna mess up but he said about how he was scared to lose me and stuff and then told me “i love you”. I’m sorry but yes, thanks. I’m fab. Nope but he has issues with that and omg yay.

Last night me and Connor had a massive talk about everything and I just he became soppy and really cute and I’m all just a ball of giddy and omg he’s just the sweetest. He has a problem with saying the three words “i love you” because he’s scared that he will end up fucking it all up if he does. The point of it all was him showing me how much he actually cares and he really does and aside not being able to say it I go “but don’t think I don’t because I do” that’s good enough for me :3. Oh, then we smashed and it was fucking awesome.

I have gotten to the brink of pain where I feel like crying/passing out/throwing up. My mouth is killing me from this abscess and infection and wisdom tooth. Do not even talk about my back and chest pain because that’s the one I can’t deal with. I haven’t slept or eaten properly since Wednesday and I’m not sure how much longer I can cope with it as even my new pain killers ain’t doing shit. Ugh. Best thing to do is attempt to sleep.

Feeling like the biggest awkward turtle in the world. My boyfriend is downstairs and I’m shit with words so I messaged him saying I love you and now I’m just hiding in my room, under the covers as I’m not sure what to do. Oh life. Why.

I’m sat in silence at home in pain and feeling like fucking shit even though Connor is here. I just feel all distant and like crap and I don’t know what to be. For the last two and a bit weeks I’ve been on top of the world and feeling great pretty much all of the time. All of a sudden I feel like crap and I don’t know why so I can’t even talk to him about it. I don’t even think he has even noticed that something is up tbh and that fucking sucks.

My dreams are seriousmy becoming more and more fucked up and feeling more and more real. I can’t handle it. I think it might be my meds but idk but jfc.

I don’t like having to remind myself this is real. I don’t like having to snap a band on my wrist or sit on my hands. I’m losing my myself and who I am is someone that I don’t even know. This life I live right now all just feels like a lie and I don’t know how much longer I can carry on. I’m trying to be strong but it’s not easy when the people you were closest to just seem like a thing of the past. I’m so sad and lonely and nobody sees it because of last year and I just don’t know what to do. I’m so scared of losing people and being alone and I wish I could just tell certain people how I felt.