I'm Jam. 21.
Insane earthling with a cat complex. Meow.
Weeps at tv shows and drools over women, wbu?
I really need to vent to someone and get some advice but I don’t know if it will actually help how I feel and stuff. Ugh, why is this happening, this isn’t meant to be a thing and I want it to end. I know how to end it but I can’t bring myself to do it and fuck.
I’ve been ill since like the 29th and it is a massive no. Last Wednesday I had to have an ambulance called for me because I couldn’t breathe at all. I’ve had a headache on and off since then, I’ve also passed out a few times. I’ve got a viral infection which is totally fun but it’s not fucking going away. I’m at the point where I will murder someone, I’ve had a migraine since Friday night, I’ve hardly slept in since then and most of yesterday and some of today I’ve been puking. Like seriously can this virus fuck off now, I’ve hardly eaten in nearly two weeks and I can’t drink water without puking after. Ugh, can I be better yet? I don’t take well to being ill at all.
Since I’ve been ill I’ve been eating less and less. The thing is it doesn’t bother me that much, I’ve always had a smallish stomach but it’s silly now. At about 4pm I ate a sandwich and a pack of crisps. I was full, I’ve been drinking smoothie today but only like half a liter. I’m still full. Like what’s going on?
One of the weirdest sensations and things to me right now is the whole making out, fucking thing with my ex. Like he still lives at mine and we both still love each other. We’re still doing stuff like we are a couple but we’re not and what, it’s so weird and probably not the greatest idea but uh.
You know what, I’m gonna be okay. I can help myself now without having to worry about others. I can. Get rid of the toxins in my life and carry on to be a better, stronger person. That’s what I need, to help myself yet I didn’t know how to. Now I do, things are gonna be fine and I’ll get on with it because that’s what we as humans have to do. Gonna please myself before others and spend some quality time with myself with the bullshit, pain and everything from others. Time to be what I want to be anf progress myself, you did my a favour so thanks :)
I put my all into things for people. I’ve forgotten who I am and what I stand for, also how to love myself. This isn’t what I want, I’m going to end up breaking to a point where I’m beyond help if I carry on like this. I’m so tempted to just drop everything and everyone and just disappear, however its not that simple. Sigh.
It’s getting to the point where I don’t want any of this anymore. I can’t deal with it. I’m hurting myself more and more every single day. I was trying to sort things out myself but honestly I think it may be the best thing and raise my hand and say help me. I’m not going to get better on my own and I can’t count on ‘friends’ to help me.. I’m breaking my own heart doing what I’m doing and it’s not what I want.
On Friday I got my hair did, today I did two new piercings, Monday I get my new glasses and Saturday is tattoo day :D ah new things. I’ve been doing a lot more recently and have some awesome people I can turn to in a time of need. I’m getting myself back on track and it makes me happy. Yes, I still feel shit almost everyday but I’m getting better at not letting it keep me down too long and that is really important :). Doing more things for myself is the best thing possible and I’m pretty sure it’s getting my mental health at a better level. So yaay!
I just don’t know why I’m trying to hard to keep something. I’m unhappy again. I’m becoming more and more of the person I used to be because of all this shit. I got to a point in life where things were getting better now things are turning to shit again and I don’t want this. I don’t deserve it, so why do I feel like I do? Oh right, it’s because I’m made to feel that way.
For some reason I always feel like I’m a second priority to people, especially you. I don’t know what it is but it feels like I’m not as important as others and it ends up making me feel shit.
Fuck this life and everything that’s happened in it. I can feel a repeat of last year happening but the other way round and I know I can’t deal with that again. Everyday I feel worse about myself and feel like I can’t do anything right. This isn’t meant to be like this, I don’t want to go back to how I was, it damn near killed me.
Hahaha, mother nature needs to come and do her thing. Before anyone goes ‘omg are you pregnant?” No I am not. I’ve checked, I”ve just been super stressed recently and this is stressing me more.